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 General Discussion: How To Survive A Psychopath
 My Mother is a Psychopath
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DollyDee
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3 Posts
Gratitude: 15

Posted - 03/06/2010 :  02:09:10  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
I just joined after Googling "My Mother is a psychopath" ... she's been diagnosed by a psychiatrist, with 37 out of 40 on the Hare checklist, also Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissim, etc. I spent 13 weeks last summer as an In-Patient being treated for PTSD, and still have anxiety and on/off depression.

I've managed to break away from her in the past, and not spoken to her, but she always tracks me down and stalks me. My family refuse to recognise that she has a mental illness and we're not talking - I was always the butt of her madness, and it suited them as it meant they didn't bear the brunt of it.

I'm coming up to my 37th birthday, and although it was a relief after all these years to be told that the problem was not ME (as she's told me for years), now I'm also stuck. I want to have a life, but seem to spend part of each day in tears trying to unravel the mess she's created - she used my identity, so my credit rating is a mess, for example. I thought of disappearing, but I'm scared I'd be giving up my life - a lot of which is good - and she'd still track me down.

She stole my money or I'd move countries today - because at this point I'm scared she's going to try to kill me again.

There seems to be a lot of advice on here about how to deal with husbands or boyfriends suffering from psychopathy, but not mothers. Does anyone else have a psycho-mom? What do you do about it? I try to explain to people that she's mentally ill, but they don't believe it. So she goes to the bank and they give her my bank statements because she tells them she's my mother, the guards let her into my storage unit, etc.

I tried to get her committed but her husband is covering for her.
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CBoo
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)

1669 Posts
Gratitude: 1850
Very caringVery wiseVery honestI agree

Posted - 03/07/2010 :  04:04:21  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Hi DollyDee, welcome to MT.

There have been members here in the past who have posted about their sociopathic mothers. I haven't seen anyone for a while, but your post may draw some out who have a similar situation to you. Please keep checking your e-mail inbox for reply notifications.

You do sound like you've had a heck of a hard time, I'm sorry, it must be awful. And not having the support of your family is really sad.

I'm sure you're researching all you can about sociopaths, that really seems to help. Have you mentioned this all to a lawyer? There must be a way to prevent her from having access to your bank statements etc.

Wishing you much strength,

Clare




The truth is incontrovertible; malice may attack it, ignorance my deride it, but in the end, there it is."
Winston Churchill
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DagnyAtl
Starting Member

8 Posts
Gratitude: 19

Posted - 03/14/2010 :  14:15:38  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
My mother is a psychopath and if your mother is only HALF as bad as mine, you are in for a lifetime of hurt, so begin the process of self-protection NOW by very carefully choosing your friends. I'm 53 now, and it's taken me way too long to figure out I've been in the "psycho dance" by selecting both girl- and boyfriends who were either narcissistic or sociopathic (I use the term sociopath for NON-violent folks who are anti-social, and psychopath for violent anti-socials) my entire life. This is because drama was all I'd ever known so it was "natural" for me to be attracted to the drama queens and creeps. Thank god I've finally recognized by destruction pattern and am on a mentally healthy path now.

Okay, so dealing with your mother. If your mother has an evil nature, she will try to find out any and all information she can about you to use against you - so you must be vigilant about setting and keeping your boundaries. Keep YOUR answers to her personal questions about you to a minimum, and NEVER let her meet your friends if you can help it. Since I had psycho-friends - my mother would collude with them against me! Therefore, if you have ANY friends who have set-off ANY "red flag" inappropriate behavior patterns - drop them NOW, and save yourself from any useless future drama with them. Basically, you have to take back control of the relationship with your mother without her figuring out what you're doing. Also, you must never let your mother know that YOU KNOW, she's a psycho for if you do, she will do even more to discredit you, for now you know the Truth, and she hates that. As a warning: Given you are 37, I'm guessing your mother is still young - late 50's/early 60's and she will only get worse as she ages (I know that sounds impossible) and should your father pre-decease her, she will turn all her manipulative attentions on YOU, so be prepared for that, should such an event occur. Will your mother ever "get better?" Never, though her acting abilities may improve, she will not. I wish I had more advice or a magic panacea to dealing with a psycho mother, but alas there is none other than to protect yourself as your LIFE depends on it. Lastly, please get yourself a wonderful support system with people who are genuinely capable of empathy. My problem was having friends who were basically like my mother in an effort to get away from my mother, and was that ever useless behavior. You may want to consider reading The Betrayal Bond - Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, as it was an excellent reference for me. I wish you much luck and if I think of anything more to add later, I will.
PS: I have had to go "no contact" with my mother as she is too toxic for anyone who is NOT "narcissistic supply" to be bothered with. If you have a therapist who insists you CANNOT drop your toxic mother from your life - get rid of that therapist for they are relying on (IMO) outdated information and they are there to help YOU, not your impossible mother who is a hopeless case.
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DagnyAtl
Starting Member

8 Posts
Gratitude: 19

Posted - 03/14/2010 :  15:08:29  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
I'm sorry DollyDee, as I just re-read your post and yes, your mother is evil. So let's see what you can do to protect yourself. Can you go to the Social Security Administration office in your area and explain to them that a family member is using your SS# for fraud and ask for a new one #? If not, the only other thing I can think of to protect your identity in the future is to send a letter via registered return receipt (the type that gets a signature on the green card which comes back to you) to your bank's manager (credit card co.'s or whatever) informing them that under NO circumstances are they to release private information. The bank which gave your mother your info commited an illegal act in doing so and I would have a chat with that bank's manager to see if he/she can move $$ back to your account. I gather you've likely moved your account to a new bank and if you haven't done so already, do it now. I don't know if you are married, but if you are single and renting, send another Reg./RR letter to your apt. manager explaining that under NO circumstancees is your mother to be granted entry to your apt. - and YOU MAKE SURE that all apt. office employees are aware of this fact. Politely explain that your mother has a psychological disorder and request the office inform you should your mother try to gain entry to your apt. I understand how people who don't have our problem are generally apathetic and don't realize the severity of this issue, but again, with all the crazy people in the news these days, if you keep the drama out of your narrative and just use some salient facts, they will likely appreciate your predicament.

You don't explain how your mother tried to kill you, but I believe you. I don't see any way out for you other than to keep private EVERYTHING you can: where you live, work, and who you see. Go to Costco or wherever and get a pre-paid cell phone for calls from your family and check it only once a wk or so - when YOU are ready to hear pathetic phone messages. If you haven't already cut off all communication with your mother where possible, do so now. Either meet family members at their homes or somewhere else - but NOT your place (Mother will get jealous if you have bought a new TV or whatever and you'll incur more wrath). If your mailbox is accessible, have your mail sent to your office or a P.O. Box. Wherever/whatever your Mother can think to go to "get" you, she will, and, sadly you have to think like the psycho to best the psycho and my hope is that your mother gets bored with you and finds a more accessible victim.
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DagnyAtl
Starting Member

8 Posts
Gratitude: 19

Posted - 03/14/2010 :  16:48:38  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
One last thing and most importantly! Diffuse your situation with as much humor as possible to help YOU stay sane. I call my mother, "La Diabla" or "She Devil" and an old psycho roommate was coined, Icky Vicky. For emotional distance, it helps to either call your mother by her given name, or give her an appropriate nick-name.

Rent comedies, not dramas. Treat yourself to a fun, truly enjoyable and relaxing night out with a great friend on occasion. Date/Marry nice, boring guys who are capable of caring about you. Paint your walls nice, warm colors! No kidding!! Get as beyond the banality as evil as you can.

You may ask yourself once in a while, not out of self-pity, but as an empirical question: "Lord, why do you give me all this crap to deal with when life could be so nice, loving and easy?" And the answer is yes, part of your reason for being is to warn others about the insincerity of psychopaths for someone has to do the job, and by default we get it. But think of the better side of this. What might have happened in 1930's Germany had enough Germans raised their voices against the (now) obvious psychopath gaining power within their midst? True, most people may not understand what you are saying now about your mother being a psychopath, but eventually they will - they simply have a longer learning curve is all. Tell them your mother would have made a great partner at Goldman Sachs, or Enron. When I tell people who know La Diabla the truth, they always respond, "But she has so many friends!" "Hell," I say, "Hitler had FRIENDS! What's that have to do with anything?" So thankless as it is, share your knowledge about the "moral zeros" where/when appropriate.

I am concerned about your physical well-being as you said your mother could be violent. Have you installed an alarm on your apt./house? You need to do that. And always, always lock your car. What specific measures, if any, have you taken to secure your physical safety? Whatever your circumstances, NEVER be alone with your mother. If for whatever reason you must visit her, if others start to depart leaving you with her, YOU LEAVE WITH THEM. If she needs to speak with you, she can call you on the cell for which only family has the #.

Recall the Alabama professor who recently murdered her 3 colleagues? Her husband was quoted as saying he hadn't noticed "anything different" in her behavior. But of course HE hadn't noticed anything different in her behavior for he'd been buying into her craziness for soooooo many years that it was now NORMAL TO HIM for her to be that way!! DUH!!! I'm certain she was a LOON long before she murdered her brother in the 1980's.

Secure your circumstances, DollyDee, be safe and aim for happiness.

Best regards, Dags
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DollyDee
Starting Member

3 Posts
Gratitude: 15

Posted - 03/15/2010 :  05:57:33  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Thank you. This is so helpful.

I told her husband, my step-father, that she was a psychopath according to the psychiatrist she stalked (ie mine) - and he's in denial. I'm guessing he told her. And yes, she is trying to discredit me - telling people I'm bi-polar, have herpes (both lies). I'm still half in denial at times, so I'm not surprised he is - we've become so used to it over the years. She stalked my step-=father's secretary, and he now justifies that as mother trying to hold the family together (they were having an affair).

And yes, she is getting worse - less physical, more psychological stuff, and pushed me into a break-down which didn't help last year.

I'm trying to sort out to the bank stuff - have tried letters, but they know they messed up and are trying to shield themselves from liability by denying everything. What a surprise.

I got a lawyer to sort out the tax stuff - my step-father and she hid assets off-shore in my name to avoid taxes ... and they threatened me with that, so I went to the IRS since I knew I was not guilty.

I've been living in London, and want to stay here - but it looks increasingly unlikely. I am a US citizen because of my father, she's not - so I figure I can move to the States to hide from her, if I have to.

I have no idea how she gets the information about me that she does. She got second card on her account in my name and seems to have used those as ID to get info. And one builds on the other ...

And she's a hundred times worse that anyone can imagine, but very few people believe me. I went to a therapist for a long time who bullied me into having a relationship with my mother and trying to make it work but ... my instincts have been to run so I've spent a year her or a year there no talking to her. So she stalked me. I threatened her last summer and I think she's left me alone since then - ie she hasn't contacted me, but I assume she's still stalking me (ringing the bank pretending to be me to get info, etc).

I'm had a few not great relationships - nothing very terrible - but am single now. I also have been removing 'red flag' friends ... and that doesn't leave many. I don't trust many people, and find that they just don't understand or know how to deal with it / me.
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susanmarie
Starting Member

2 Posts
Gratitude: 4

Posted - 03/23/2010 :  22:24:43  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
I too have just googled 'my mother is a psychopath'...undiagnosed.
the hurt and frustration, no-one knows unless your mother is one.
I too have suffered PTSD and still suffer anxiety and depression. I too have broken away in the past and did not speak for 3 years. she is a stalker...though she has eased on me due to another distraction in the family who she can stalk. My family won't talk to me either as denial seems easier and I was always the butt of her madness or her scapegoat, and they too did not bear the brunt of it.

Yes, it is frustrating that they can be so 'normal' and charming when they are in their self-gratifying state of obtaining access to your personals and I'm afraid that no-one can see her as the way you do...so I am the psycho one...and I have just today decided once again to cut ties, as she started to 'groom' my daughter. My hope has died and I am trying to find some peace in accepting that things will never be ok and the family will always see me as the problem.
That probably doesn't help you much but it is comforting to know that I am not alone when I read your post.
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DollyDee
Starting Member

3 Posts
Gratitude: 15

Posted - 03/24/2010 :  00:53:09  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Cutting ties is the best thing you can do! You might feel guilty at first, but in the long run ... The worst thing I ever did was listen to the therapist who talked me back into having a relationship with PsychoMom. I ended up with a still birth, and then in a break down. Even if you have some pangs of guilt or cannot tear yourself away from your mother for your own sake, then do it for your daughter's.

Psychopathy is rare, so people assume we're exagerating, but there do seem to be others out there that have had similar experiences - it's the nice thing about the internet; when I tell people things my mother does in 'real' life, they assume I'm making it up, one the boards, people have had surprisingly similar experiences and that makes me feel I am not alone - and semi sane!
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DagnyAtl
Starting Member

8 Posts
Gratitude: 19

Posted - 03/25/2010 :  12:27:27  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
DollyDee,

I know what you mean about how few friends are left after you take out the psychos and narcissists for after I "cleaned house" and got rid of all the crazies, I had one friend left, and I was angry with myself for having ignored all the red flags that had been waving at me all these years to no avail. As Oprah says, "When you know better, you DO better." So look at the bright side, you now have room in your schedule to accommodate worthy, empathetic people when they cross your path as you are no long consumed by the drama of the people you "fired" and wasting your life on them.

To Susan: I'd like to believe there are not so many sociopaths walking amongst us, but unfortunately, my all too many experiences regarding sociopaths inform me there are more than the 4% that Dr. Hare reports. For example: Do you think the people on Wall St. who caused our worldwide economic debacle are NOT sociopaths? Think again. I worked on Wall St. for a few years in the early 1980's and I never met a ONE (trader, exec et al.)who was capable of thinking of anybody save himself. Further, I never met a trader who didn't either drink copious amounts of alcohol or snort cocaine. Yet these people were "in charge" of our financial system!?! And all those MBA's? What good are they if MBA recipients STILL don't understand basic economics? The CEO of Citicorp was quoted as saying, "We didn't think the housing market could go 'down'." HA! Hell, I don't have an MBA, yet I know that housing markets have always gone up and DOWN, as the market warrants - and THAT is what is called capitalism. When the CEO of a major US corporation has no better clue about business/economics than that, you can know your economy is doomed. And aren't all the business heavyweights still giving themselves HUGE bonuses as they rest of us are sinking? If that isn't sociopathic, I don't know what is.

For more sociopathic behavior, look at American television, which is it's biggest promoter. What is wrong with us that as "news" on CNN, CNBC etc., we get a steady diet of two ridiculous characters with 8 kids who they couldn't care less about? I'm talking about Kate Goslin and her husband. And the OctoMom? She's crazy as a loon, yet again the people "in charge" of what we watch take her seriously enough to put her on TV and not in treatment, where she belongs. These are people with serious character disorders who are promoted as if they actually have something of import to say or have done anything noteworthy than have children in their grab for attention. Meanwhile, people who have contributed in their own special ways to society and are decent folk are ignored, and in their place we are presented with the sociopath! How sad is that? And don't get me started about working at law firms where I worked after selling real estate. If ever you want to meet a cabal of sociopaths, work at a law firm.

Thanks for letting me vent, ladies. Just keep your guard up and look for nice, good people.
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susanmarie
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2 Posts
Gratitude: 4

Posted - 03/26/2010 :  17:53:13  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
it's so reassuring to read the posts. I'm 45 years old and, apart from my daughter, I have felt so different from everyone else my entire life.

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DagnyAtl
Starting Member

8 Posts
Gratitude: 19

Posted - 03/26/2010 :  22:35:38  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
SusanMarie:

I know what you mean about feeling different from others all your life, for I've often felt that way.

What saved me from insanity and probably suicide at a young age was when a friend of mine introduced me to the writer, Ayn Rand, and her novels. From Rand's novel, The Fountainhead, I learned my PsychoMom was a "second-hander" which was Rand's word for a narcissist. Then I read Atlas Shrugged, Rand's epic novel. My screen name, Dagny, is Rand's heroine in Atlas Shrugged, and I use it as a tribute to Rand. To quote Rand, "My philosophy, in essence, is the concept of man as a heroic being, with his own happiness as the moral purpose of his life, with productive achievement as his noblest activity, and reason as his only absolute." My gratitude to Rand cannot be adequately expressed as her philosophy has helped me through the roughest of times and led me to never doubt myself even as PsychoMom was trying to gaslight (google the term "gaslight" for it's psych meaning) me over one incident or another. From reading Rand's novels I learned I was not alone in my thinking about life and what is possible. Maybe Rand can do the same for you.
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DagnyAtl
Starting Member

8 Posts
Gratitude: 19

Posted - 03/29/2010 :  12:10:55  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
I'd like to recommend another reference for help with coping with narcissists and psychopaths and that is www.narcissists-suck.blogspot.com. For people who are still stuck in the dance with N family members, there are many posts from people who have gone "no contact" which you may find helpful.

Kind regards, DagnyAtl
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Izzylove
Starting Member

1 Posts

Posted - 04/30/2010 :  15:22:30  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Hi DollyDee

I just found this site tonight - normally I follow lovefraud.com as I discovered that my husband (now seperated) is in my opinion a psycopath. I have been having a really bad time and trying to be strong - am 1 year into therapy and this week I made a shocking connection that made terrible sense, my mother was also a P. I saw my therapist today and it helps me to talk with her as I have no family (my mother died 20 years ago, but the legacy lives on). I read you are in London, I am also, if you want to contact me that would be great as I would love to have someone to talk to that would understand my story, and I can return the empathy. My friends are great but are always pushing me to date and I'm not ready - need to heal first.

I've read The Sociopath Next Door, am on without Conscience and have ready to start The Betrayal Bond. Info really helps. I thought I was going mad until I found that website last Feb.

Hope to hear back from you,

Izzylove
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Chris Mackney
Starting Member

1 Posts

Posted - 05/08/2010 :  15:36:09  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
My mother was not a psychopath, but I have very strong and complelling reasons to believe that my ex wife and her father may be.

I am very afraid for the emotional welfare of my two children. If there are any children that were emotionally abused by a psychopathic mother, I would love to hear from you. I have no idea how to protect my children from their own Mother and Grandfather.

Final Visitation is still yet to be decided and I need help.

I would also be interested in speaking with an attorney or psychiatrist that can review my case and advise me accordingly.

Over the next few weeks, I will be posting my about my experience. I pray that what happened to me never happens to anyone again.
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DagnyAtl
Starting Member

8 Posts
Gratitude: 19

Posted - 05/16/2010 :  12:02:07  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Chris,

I am a legal secretary and have done incredible amounts of research using only the internet to help lawyers and friends alike regarding their court cases, so following are tips from which I hope you benefit.

I look forward to reading more about the predicament w/ your former spouse regarding child custody, and would like to make some suggestions: 1) state the ages of your children; 2) give the county/state where you live; 3) how old are you and your ex, 4) was your ex ever married before and if so, how long, and 5) how long were you married. This will help give a better assessment of what you are up against in your custody battle. For example, do you live in a rural area of Oklahoma whereby you might get a bible belt judge who believes in the "sanctity of motherhood" no matter what? Or, do you live in a metropolitan city where judges see cases manipulated by sociopaths ever day merely as a result of the large number of cases he/she has to adjudicate? Ditto for finding yourself a competent lawyer who intellectually/emotionally understands your situation and knows how to proceed accordingly. And PLEASE interview more than one attorney to handle your case; not all lawyers are created equal, and I'd hate to see your problem compounded by inadequate representation for as a legal secretary, I've seen it all: the good, bad and ugly where lawyers are concerned. When you interview an attorney, ask him/her if he/she has ever dealt with a similar situation and were they successful for their client? Also, go to martindale.com and find how the attorneys you are interviewing are rated by their peers. Martindale is not "sure-fire", but it may assist you in selecting an attorney. Lastly, you have to do homework on your own, as your attorney will NOT do it for you - not matter how high his hourly rate. Google the names of any attorneys you've selected and see if there are any cases on the 'net that might give you an indication of that attorney's competence, or lack thereof, as well as any other information the internet has to offer, and don't be shocked at what you may find. Research your ex'es attorney as well for reputation, etc. in order to better know who/what you are dealing with, for if your ex's attorney has a particularly ruthless reputation you may find it more difficult to find a competent lawyer to go against him. EQUALLY IMPORTANT, go to your local county clerk's website where usually (especially in large cities) you can search civil case file histories to learn if there are any prior cases/lawsuits your ex and her father may have been involved, as more often than not people like your ex and FIL leave a paper trail of which few are aware. Search property tax rolls while you're at it to learn if your ex divulged all in your divorce as you simply may not know all the facts - especially if you live in a community property state. If your ex has had more than one domicile - check all the county clerk's websites where she has lived. You don't say if you live in the U.S. or the U.K., so all the aforementioned is relative to domicile in the U.S. I've found incredible evidence using the internet which was relative to the outcome in many cases, so don't ever forget that INFORMATION IS POWER and the more info you have, the better it is for your case, and don't expect your attorney to do research for you - that's not their job - it is YOURS. And in your internet searches - use all combinations of your ex's name, i.e., with/without middle initial, etc. ditto for FIL.

To illustrate my point, I cite the following example. When I lived in Atlanta, I worked at one of the top 3 Big Law firms where you have to be in the top 10% of your graduating law class just to be invited to interview, so needless to say it's mostly top tier law grads. The sr. partner attorney to whom I was assigned was a Harvard grad and hopelessly narcissistic to the point where he berated associates and secretaries alike, and accordingly had a terrible reputation within the firm and the running joke was that he couldn't keep a secretary for longer than a year as his verbal abuse was that awful. Well, a friend of this attorney who was unaware of his "in-firm" reputation asked him to testify/vouch for his character in his child custody suit believing that testimony from a big time Harvard grad lawyer would cinch his case. The wife's attorney, clearly having done his homework and made a few inquiries, merely asked the Big Law attorney on the witness stand, "So, Mr. Smith, how many secretaries have you had in the last 5 years?", and proceeded to decimate the Big Law attorney's reputation and his "friend" lost his custody battle for if your character witness has no character what might that say about you? The moral here is: research can mean ALL to your case, so don't underestimate it's significance.

Chris, I don't want you to think your case is "unwinnable", I merely want you to be aware of the realities of your situation, and be mentally prepared for them as your case will not be an easy one for your judge to decide and it's best if you go equipped with all the knowledge available to you. I'm here for you in any way I can be of assistance/service, as I personally know how important it is for your children to be in your custody.

Kindest regards, DagnyAtl
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dee dee
Starting Member

1 Posts
Gratitude: 1

Posted - 05/20/2010 :  08:03:51  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
This is my 1st post

Bless you, Dolly Dee! I believe my mother was a sociopath too. She passed away 8 yrs ago & in many ways that's when my life began. The cloud of depression that I had felt most of my life lessened when I no longer had to deal with her hostility, contempt, & emotional abuse! I am now better able to deal with my true feelings about her as well as my life & its not pretty. At least now I feel that I am mentally healthier to deal with my sociopathic husband.


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